Weblog

Monday, 16 November 2009

  • I'm pretty well recovered, and it is not how I expected it at all. I've gained the weight back, I'm healthy, so why now does my love never want to touch me? I'd say I'm being dramatic, but I'm not. I am hating this body more each day and fantasizing about all the ways I could destroy it. I said I would be healthy for him, but he just wont admit the truth because he can't swallow the idea of asking me to be sick.

    Relapse means he hates me, recovery means he's discusted by me. I just want to wake up in someone beautiful's skin.

    If he saw this he'd kill me.

    I'm

    an

    idiot.   

Monday, 30 March 2009

  • Trying to get it together but I am home alone till Wednesday night and under no obligation to eat anything.

    I should stop this foolishness now, but there is a horrible nagging in my head telling me I could be 89 by April 1st.

    Back on track... back to shrinking.

    back to wasting away...

    my life.
    my love.
    my everything.

    I am a stupid person for being this way, we all are.

Saturday, 14 March 2009

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

  • I don't know what to say. I never write unless my world is falling apart which leads to shit entries like my last one. Makes me seem like a drama queen, or atleast like my world is shit, when it really isn't. I have a good life, and for the first time since about age 12 I think I'm actually starting to feel happy.

    On the e.d. front I have been doing okay. Every single day I want/feel-like I'm going to relapse. So far it hasn't happened but it still might. I can't stand the fact that my body is growing. Bones covered under layers and layers of flesh. I'm worried it won't ever stop even though I know thats crap. I worry that maybe I've broken 100lbs, but probably not. Like that would be the end of the world or something.

    I'm an atheist so saying I prayed last night is a lie, but I wished last night that I could just be over this. Stop having these thoughts in my head, stop feeling like crap for doing normal things.

    On another note, Somethings on Xanga have really been annoying me to the point where I don't want to be here much anymore. I'll see what happens.

Sunday, 08 February 2009

  • I love my husband more then anything, but he has the most unbelievable ability to hurt me. He has this look he gives me and it destroys me. All my self confidence, everything I've been holding on to, it's gone in a split second. That look actually makes my whole body hurt when I see it. Its like he's sick and tired of putting up with me. I guess love is leaving yourself open to this kind of pain. And if he read this he'd say I was being dramatic, sensitive, stupid. Maybe I am, but I can't help that feeling, when I see him like that fire burns through me, my throat closes up, I feel sick.   

    It makes me think I should be doing better, and I should, but i'm sick and can't think straight right now. All I feel is that nervous clench in my throat. Thinking that maybe he really could be falling out of love with me. I know I'm making this worse. Not going to bed because he's just radiating so much anger. And maybe he doesn't even notice.

    I know this is my fault. I made my life this way.

    I just need to get off my ass and start being perfect.